dazzling

Things that have happened recently:

I was rejected from two great jobs.

I had the opportunity to visit the new Forge class (on several occasions).

One of my Forge brothers got engaged and I got to be a part of it.

Two of my Forge brothers are going into the Army!

I had lunch with a friend from middle school and high school.

I’m discovering what it means to create community here in Denton.

I’m learning that I still don’t have control…of anything.

I’m realizing that everyday is a new chance to do it right.

I’m being reminded of my salvation through the book of Romans, which is rocking my world every time I read it.

I am applying to teach overseas.

I’m getting more and more excited about that opportunity each day.

There are many others things that have happened but I won’t bore you…plus I have some other things to say today.

These are some thoughts that I have been having but have not been focused enough to sit and put them down. They have been hard for me to put into words so I just haven’t but I was given an “assignment” to write a journal entry, so this is about as close as I can get for now.

For the past almost six weeks I have been in a cast (of various colors). That is about six weeks too long. Its almost like I have been in discomfort for these weeks. A cast makes everything harder and less enjoyable. It keeps me from sleeping well at night, keeps me from wanting to go places and see people. It is just uncomfortable.

However, living with something so uncomfortable has taught me a lot about comfort. The times I have felt most comfortable during these past six weeks have been the times when I didn’t let my cast keep me from enjoying what is happening around me.

I have been so blessed to get to sit at my favorite spot in all of Texas (at least that I have been to) and enjoy the sunset. Sitting in a chair with the warm sun hitting my face and surround my body. Cool lake breeze offsetting the heat of the sun. I was so comfortable. I love sitting there and seeing the sun get brighter and brighter as it gets lower and lower. At one point I felt like I might go blind if I continued to watch it, but I couldn’t help it. I had to watch it shrink and glow more as it changed colors and sank behind the tree line.

This is one of the only times in the past six weeks that I have felt comfortable. I was there sitting with my Creator and breathing in awe of Him and His creation, enjoying His gift to me. Talk about comfortable. I never wanted to leave.

Another thought that has been in my head for the past few weeks is from a book by Donald Miller called Through Painted Deserts. There is a part in the book where his is describing a billboard full of lies about how a product will make you feel how you are meant to feel. Here is what he says, “And maybe when a person doesn’t buy into the lies anymore, when a human stops long enough to realize that stuff people say to get us to part with our money often isn’t true, we can finally see the sunrise, smell the wetness in a Gulf breeze, stand in awe at a downpour no less magnificent than a twenty-thousand foot waterfall, ten square miles wide, wonder at the physics of a duck paddling itself across the surface of a pond, enjoy the reflection of the sun on the face of the moon, and know, This is what I was made to do. This is who I was made to be, that life is being given to me as a gift, that light is a metaphor, and God is doing these things to dazzle us.”

Maybe it has been since I was watching the sunset at the Shores that this thought was brought to my attention. I think so often I buy into the lies. Actually, I know that so often I buy into the lies and think that if I only had this or did that then I would feel like I am supposed to feel or be what I am supposed to be.  But if I take the time to stop believing the lies and seek His truth, I can be set free from those feelings of longing and realized I am being dazzled!

In summer 2009, I was blessed with an amazing APD to follow. She is who suggested I read this book and then gave me this as something to think about and now I am going to give it to you to think about.

The definition of dazzle is “1) to astonish with delight, 2) to shine or reflect brilliantly, 3) to inspire admiration or wonder, 4) to amaze, overwhelm or bewilder with spectacular display”

And from that, she told me this: “I have just been think about this word and what it could mean in our relationship with Christ…if we astonish Him with delight. If we shone or reflected Him brilliantly. If we inspired admiration or wonder in those around us simply by the way we live our lives for Him and how He constantly inspires us to wonder at His majesty and creation and plans. And lastly, if we realize how He continuously, without fail, amazes, overwhelms and bewilders us with His spectacular display of love, beauty, and grace. He is everything there is in the word dazzle.”

Amen. When my eyes are open to Him, I see Him dazzling me through the Salvation He has given me, friendships, family, plans I don’t understand yet, and love. Yes, He is everything there is in the word dazzle.

Those are just some thoughts for your Friday.

water skiing

This summer I got the chance to go water skiing. After countless tries, I finally stood up (only for about 7 seconds but still an accomplishment for everyone out there).

It was while I was skiing that I learned something and if had nothing to do with how to water-ski.

I was sitting in the water in a semi-fetal like position…waiting.

Waiting for the boat to start moving so I would start moving.

Waiting for the rope to filter through my hands until the handle came to them.

Waiting for the moment of “oh, crap here we go again.”

While I was waiting on most of my attempts, I was “sitting” there going through all the things I needed to do in order to be successful:

            Knees bent.

            Arms out straight.

            Arms not pulling back but relaxed yet holding on.

            Like you’re sitting.

            Wait to stand up.

            Keep that position.

            Don’t let the water pull off your shorts. (That makes a successful attempt too.)

It wasn’t until several tries later and lots of yelled encouragement from good friends on the boat that it hit me.

I can try and stand up all I want but I won’t be able to do it. Without the boat, I am stuck there in the water pretty much useless (you should see me with the skis on my feet, flopping around as I try to them both on my feet). Even when the boat is going and I am being pulled, if I try to stand up on my own too early, I get a mouth full of Lake Palestine.

It’s only when I use the boat at the right time and let the boat and rope do what they are designed to do, do I successfully stand up.

Now for what I learn (a long time coming, right?)

I can’t do it on my own. I need the help of the boat to get me on my feet. I have to hold on and be PATIENT. I had to learn to lean back and trust that the boat and rope would pull me up. It always pulled me up or tried until I got in the way. When I tried to control or stabilize myself, I would collapse into the water.

This is my spiritual life. 

So many times I don’t trust the Lord (boat/rope) to guide my life. I think that I can do it on my own and end up frustrated and crying (soaked with lake water). I don’t really believe that the Lord is going to pull me up. I don’t really think He knows best. I think I do.

I so often believe the “little g” god that is my sinful nature rather than the “Big G” God who created the entire Universe. I don’t listen to Him when I need to be patient about something. When I try to stand up on my own, leaning on my own understandings, I fall.

However, when I wait for God to pull me up first, leaning on His understanding, then I can stand without frustration and tears. I can stand with excitement and joy.

This summer I was reading through Psalm 119 as I prayed for a desire for the Word of God. One of the verses that hit me and stuck was Psalm 119:109, which says:

“Though I constantly take my life in my hands, I will not forget your law.”

I continually try to pull myself up and get on my feet by myself. Yet, that gets me nowhere and exhausts me emotionally, physically and prayerfully. However, when I surrender to Him and let Him take me where He wants, I am end up on my feet, skiing behind Him and following His wakes. That is where I find joy, fun, and purpose.

Plus, it’s one heck of a ride.

(I am guessing that it is a great ride as far as actual water-skiing goes, seeing as how I have never stood up for longer than a few seconds. I swallowed a lot of water that time because I was smiling so big as my face hit the waves. Oops.)

reality is overrated?

I miss my Forge family.

I missed them so much today that I almost had to bite my lip to keep from bursting into tears.

I went to BSF and was the youngest person in the room. I am trying to start a new life outside of “formal” learning. It was great to get to learn more about the book of Isaiah but there was something missing.

I wanted my family there with me so bad. This is one of the first places where I will be studying God’s word formally without my 22 brother and sisters. It was like another step of moving on with my life…without them. I am learning something that they aren’t apart of. This is the rest of my life, but it is hard when you have to face a reality that you are ready to face.

I’ve never been one for facing reality. I remember a conversation I had with a special friend about facing reality. Said friend and I were driving down the road when we passed a dead dog. I explained to him what I chose to believe it was a squirrel because that was easier for me. To know that it was a dog, sucked. I mean, a dog makes it someone’s pet, someone’s best friend, a loved member of the family. I knew there was some little boy or girl somewhere who was crying because their dog was gone and not coming back. It broke my heart to realize that it was dog. So in my mind, it was a squirrel. Trying to explain my thought process to my friend was hard because he doesn’t see life the same way I do, and I am so thankful that we don’t. It my head it didn’t make any difference if that was a squirrel or a dog but to him it was avoiding reality. He then very gently and caringly explained to me that it wasn’t okay for me to view life that way. That even when life is tough or heartbreaking, I must face it. To avoid it would be to take an opportunity to praise God and look around it because it makes me feel bad or hurt my heart. God has been gracious to reveal so much to me about this.

It is when my heart is truly broken that He can do the works He wants in it. Its when something is broken that it needs to be fixed. And who better to fix something that is broken than the person who created it? I mean, I wouldn’t call a guitar maker to come fix my refrigerator. That’s dumb. If I have a problem with my refrigerator, I will call the man who made it. Therefore, it I have a broken heart that needs fixing, who better to fix it than the Creator who made it. Not to mention, made it out of nothing. I have clung so tightly to this Psalm when I am devastatingly heartbroken.

Psalm 34:18

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

I serve a good God.

He is sovereign over all.

Even dead dogs on the side of the road? Yes, even that.

Even the fact that I have to move on and find a new community? Yes, even that.

Now if I could just remember that every moment of my life…yes, then I would be set. 

something to start with...

Let me take you through the last few days of my life...

Wednesday: I had surgery to fix an injury that I got on October 6, 2009 after a friend stepped on my foot. Yup, you read me right, I got stepped on. 

And that's not even the worst of it. After I got stepped on, I was put into a walking boot for 5 weeks. I got out of that for a month before my foot began hurting again. I went back to the doctor and told him, "Look, I am going hiking in Israel in 3 months, what do we need to do for my foot to be healed by then?" He responded by saying, "I'm giving you a shot of cortisone and putting you in a cast for 5 weeks."

"I'm sorry, like a cast cast?" So then I was put in a cast for 5 weeks to give my foot some rest. Rest that involved climbing up a mountain in the snow. Now thats my kind of rest. 

After I was cut out of that beautiful blue cast, I wasn't allowed to run for 6 weeks. That stinks especially for me because I run a lot. Take that however you will. 

With the help of 22 of my closest and dearest friends, I didn't run and was given a clear bill of foot health two weeks before I went hiking in Israel. Praise the Lord for His healing.

Israel was great and there was no pain. 

I work at a Christian camp in Tyler, TX called Pine Cove. I jump a lot there. I run a lot there in crocs. Not the best shoes for running and jumping. Camp was rough on my foot to say the least. 

My foot got rolled over by a rocking chair during week 2 of a 13 week summer. Come week 8, there is a constant pain again. 

I went back to the doctor after camp, and he said that a surgery is going to be the only way to fix it for good. That takes us to Wednesday 2:30pm--surgery with Dr. Early. 

Thursday-Sunday: Recovery from the surgery. Which means lots of sitting, thinking, TV, reading, and yummy snacks. Which when you think about it is a bad idea, I mean you can't really work out with your foot in cast and yet people give you such great fattening snacks to eat when all you can do it lay there. Something doesn't add up, yet I still do enjoy eating them...

Yes, all of this brings you to the last few days of my life. In my sitting and thinking recovery, I have decided to start a blog. A friend's mother told me that she would read it if I had one, so here you go.

I don't know what this blog will hold but I hope that it will give you insight into the wonderful life the Lord has blessed me with as well as the things He gives me within it. 

Yeah, I just wanted to put a picture here...I'm still figuring this whole blogging thing out.